Relationships can feel like our biggest blessings or our most troublesome burden, depending on how things are currently going in that particular dynamic.
In my latest podcast episode, I dive deep into how to find and maintain peace in all of our relationships, including parent/child, siblings, partners, friends, and coworkers.
While each of these types of relationships present their own unique challenges and conditions, there is a common thread that connects them all, you :).
You are in all of your relationships, and the way you are showing up or not showing up, is about you, and not the other person at all. It’s completely in your control, and you can utilize this to your benefit by learning to cultivate peace with whomever you are interacting with.
If you are finding that your relationships, or perhaps just one or two in particular are bumpier than you would like them to be, don’t worry, this can be improved.
By turning your attention to the one thing you can control, your energy and focus, you can change and improve anything in your life, including your relationships and dynamics with others.
You can heal and bring peace to any of your bumpy relationships by applying the following concepts (which I discuss in greater detail on my podcast episode):
- letting the other person be who they are (they are trying their best, just like you)
- stepping away from a transactional dynamic (and into unconditional love)
- asking yourself what you need and learning to give that to yourself (instead of expecting it from the other person)
- thinking good thoughts about the person (and appreciating their heart and soul)
- asking yourself if you want to be right or if you want to love
I will briefly discuss each of these concepts below, however, to get the real juicy stuff, I recommend you tune into the podcast episode!
Let Them Be Who They Are
Letting the other person be who they really are means seeing their heart and soul, letting them off the hook from who we expect them to be, and understanding that they are always doing the best they can with what they have, just like you are.
It means showing up with others with love and grace, and not expecting others to fill us up or fix what’s going on within ourselves, because they truly can’t. We have to be the ones to do that for ourselves, and then turn to others to share and connect to their hearts when we are able to.
While others can lend an ear or helping hand when we need support, we cannot rely solely on the people in our lives to be able to keep our heads above water. When we do, we most often end up in disappointment, resentment, or in a power struggle. No one else can focus on another 24/7. Every person has their own internal world, struggles, and aspirations ongoing simultaneously while they are involved with others. When we learn to accept this part of interpersonal dynamics, we can begin to move towards peaceful relationships instead of transactional relationships.
Step Away From Transactional Relationships
Transactional relationships are where one person gives in order to, and with expectation of receiving from the other. While this is commonplace in our times, it is not the best way to maintain a relationship, and actually is a form of control and implicit manipulation (meaning we don’t do this on purpose).
We have been taught that we should treat others how we expect to be treated, however we cannot control another person or how they show up with us. So, just because we treat someone with value and importance, does not guarantee we will receive that same treatment in return. The true indicator of how someone is presenting themselves to you in each moment, actually has more to do with what’s going on within them at that particular moment, than it does about you or your relationship. When someone is drained or stressed, and we expect them to show up for us in some way, they are not going to show up as their best self. In fact, you will probably receive their lower energy behaviours, and not see the side of them you were hoping or expecting to see.
Allowing the other person to be who they are, and respecting their boundaries (as well as your own) is key to maintaining harmony between yourselves. Also understanding that you can meet your own needs, and they need to meet theirs, will help with this as well. Each of us is human, doing the best we can in each moment. None of us are perfect, and can be what someone else needs all the time. We are going to let others down at some point, and they are going to let us down. This is part of human nature and actually cannot be avoided. Instead of holding it against the other person, we can look inward and ask ourselves, what is it that we are so desperately seeking from them? How can we give that to ourselves instead? If you are seeking priority from them, learn to treat yourself with priority first. This doesn’t mean you don’t have a good relationship, what it does mean is you are moving toward a healthier balance in your dynamic.
Think Good Thoughts About Them/Appreciate Them For Who They Are
When we appreciate someone for who they are, for their heart and their soul, and not what we need them or wish them to be, we are going to see more good things about them when we interact with them, allowing our appreciation of them to grow. We are also going to feel better about the relationship that we have with them, and experience much deeper and more soulful connections.
Whatever we think about another person on the core level, is precisely what we are going to see in them when we interact. We always get from people what we expect from them. If we secretly view this person as selfish, then we are going to see that in their behaviour whenever we interact with them. If we see them as generous, we are going to see that in them as well. All of this originates in our thoughts.
Often the reason we see someone we care about in a negative light is because we were giving a part of ourselves away to them, in expectation they would give a part of themselves to us in return (this is the transactional relationship dynamic again). When we start to recognize this pattern, and decide to choose differently, we can begin to see the other person in their true essence, which is purely and simply love. We then start to appreciate them for who they truly are, and see more good things in them when we interact, and consequently feel much better overall about the relationship we have with them.
Our relationships always boil down to the thoughts we are thinking about the other person. To heal any relationship in your life, it will start in your thoughts first. Thus, of there’s a rocky relationship in your life that you would like to heal, try to get down to your essential thoughts about the person. If you’re truthful with yourself, you’ll find what you truly feel and believe about them is what you are seeing when you’re with them. Ask yourself, what are my thoughts about this person?
Your journal is a great place to do this, for in order for this to work, you have to be able to be completely honest. You can always tear out the page and dispose of it after, but make sure you get down to how you really feel. Without being honest with yourself you won’t be able to make any meaningful change and see any real improvement.
If you find yourself feeling negatively toward someone that you care about, this doesn’t mean you don’t care about them, or that you’re a bad person. Likely you feel this way because you have a certain need and an expectation that they would meet it, but they haven’t or are falling short.
(Check out my blog post on Releasing Resentments here)
Most resentments form when we are looking toward another person to make us feel a certain way about ourselves, expecting them to be the supplier of the feeling or energy we are longing for, but they are no longer providing that, falling short on what they used to provide, or not giving it at all.
To heal this, first you need to identify what that need is, and then secondly, find a way to bring that out of yourself instead. If you’re feeling you want the person to make you a priority and feel important, but they are not, find a way to make yourself feel important on your own. Understand that you are valuable and worthy just for being you; for your heart and soul, not because the other person focused on you or saw something in you.
Learning to Meet Your Own Needs
Once you begin to see and understand your true worth, which lies in your magnificent inner world, you will no longer search for it in others. In fact, you will rely on yourself to raise your vibration, to uplift yourself and bring yourself to a good feeling place, and only turn to others when you feel like sharing that amazing feeling and connecting with them.
Learning to meet our own needs, instead of relying on the people in our lives for them is a precursor for cultivating peaceful and harmonious relationships. We all have needs and it’s OK for us to meet them. It’s how we go about doing this that will either empower us or leave us feeling disappointed or resentful when others fall short.
When we learn to feel better first, before we connect with another person, we’ll find that our relationships are actually much deeper and profound than when we simply connect to have others uplift us. While it’s natural to receive support from the people in our lives, and is important that the people we are close to are aware of what we are going through, if we rely on others to make us feel seen, heard, and important, we are missing the truest validation and unconditional support we can ever receive, which is from our inner selves.
If you’re not sure where to start with improving the relationships in your life, start with the one you have with you.
By improving the way you treat yourself and meet your needs, you will undoubtedly improve your outer relationships as well.
I have lots of resources on this blog and my podcast to help you along your self love path. Feel free to peruse them and also download your free self love workbook if you haven’t already to help you get started.
Do You Want To Be Right? Or Do You Want To Love?
Finally, a practical question you can ask yourself when interacting with the people in your life, which I often ask myself, is do you want to be right or do you want to love? Do you want to control the situation, or do you want peace?
It’s not that you’re not justified in being right, you likely have every valid reason for driving that point home. However, once you begin to see the other person’s heart, and see what they were going through at the time of the “wrongdoing”, or how they may have been feeling, and how they didn’t actually mean to wrong you, You start to see that they were in fact doing the best they could in that moment. You start to see that perhaps it’s not worth holding your rightness over their head. It doesn’t bring you any closer, and in fact often drives a bigger wedge between you.
You can ask yourself what is it that you truly want from this connection? Do you want to be right, or do you want to love? Do you want to control the situation (to feel safe), or do you want to reconnect? When you realize what you truly want in your connection with this person, you can start to let that in instead. When you begin allowing your ego to take a backseat (which can be done!), and allow your heart to lead instead, you’ll find that peace and harmony come naturally in your relationships, and true healing can begin. I discuss this in more detail on my podcast, so be sure to tune in if you want to hear more :).
I truly hope this post helps you in some way, shape, or form lovely.
Until next time,
P.S. While it’s important to strive for peace in our relationships, this does not mean other people can or should abuse your kindness or you in any way. Always maintain your boundaries. If someone is making you uneasy or feel unsafe, trust your instincts and remove yourself from the situation. If you are ever in need of crisis intervention, please do not hesitate to seek help and call your local hotline for support.